Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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