I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Randomize
