You just made me feel so damn special
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
