You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
