Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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