oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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