And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
