I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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