I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
