Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
