They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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