Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
