Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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