My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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