I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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