Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
