Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
