imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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