8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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