Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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