ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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