afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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