You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
