the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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