plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
