Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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