I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
