Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
