Just fell off a train. Bad.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
