The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
everyone is single if you try hard enough
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
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