I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
