wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
