I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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