Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
