never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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