i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
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