Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
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