a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
someone owes me an orgasm
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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