stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Randomize
