Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
