He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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