my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
