he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I fill condoms, not promises.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
