I want to make a zoo with you.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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