Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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