My balls are so social today.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Randomize
