I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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