porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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