this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
I could make wine with my vomit
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Randomize
