she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
